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I hope you find what you want in this life

I wish I could

then again being this young im not sure what I really want in life, all I know of are the things that i want right now. The person who I love, but cant be with. Being accepted into college, and to reconect with my friend who ive destroyed the relationship of.

Although life isnt that simple, for the one i love is growing up, and down the road when we have graded, we will probley forget eachother
lose touch
and only have distance memeories to tell our kids when were older. In fact my friend marla said something to me a while back that was very true "He will change amber, but not for you hun im sorry" as much as I didnt want to believe her I knew that she was being relalistic. Beacuse thats what usually happens....and mabye its for the better, yet I know with everything i am i dont want that to be true.

Being accepted into college isnt that hard, unless your like me and only get a C avarage in most courses. I want to get into the art program that they have going on at camoson, but getting into it is another story. The man who came to have a look at my art work said it was quite good. but i highly dought if I would be excepted.

I did a terrible thing this year, when i broke a friendship with my friend tristan. Although we needed to have an intervention with the stuff he was doing, we should have never done what we did. We cut off the friendship, severd it. and I feel dead inside sometimes beacuse I dont have him to talk to, I would always go to him for a logical explaination of anything.

Life could throw me anyone of these things and destroy the other, i wish i knew which was which.

Tags:

Today was a good day, there was a festival in town called the SKA festival. I went over to kates house and we all went, me , grant, kate, and lorenzo. It was a blast, so much dancing and amazing music to go along with it. and at the end me grant and kate went to my house and ate and hung out.

Problem?

It was when grant and kate left...more grant leaving then kate....then came an overwhelming sadness that i has sticken me latley. Because you see....I love grant, with all my heart I really do...but we cant be together. Why? well we are both to....crazy? i guess is the word, I guess at the same time we also have a lot of things to experince...but not with eachother. I am fine with all of this, beacuse i need to get my career going and get a good job and such, get my art known and other  such things. Do I still love grant and miss him?

yes, more than most know


I wish there was a switch i could pull, that would turn off my love but that is impossible. It seems now that every night i dream of being with him...and it kills me to wake up in the morning from that dream.I dont think ive ever felt pain like this before, when He was with me tonight I was at peace with everything, nothing could ruin the fact that i was with grant at that moment, sitting on the couch with my legs on his, nothing could ruin it for me. I just wish apon everything in this world that me and him will be together again...whenever that may be. Will I be able to go out with anyone since i am single?....well i dont know...if it was an open relationship then that would be alright...because I wouldnt be able to love them fully.

not like I did grant

We had made a promise....that we would try again in the future when we have a balance in our lives, we cannot control them but we can get in the set wave lengths of them , and learn things. But...I dont want to bind him to that

I want him to do what he wants, to love who he wants and to live a happy life.

But in my heart and mind, Im always going to keep that promise...even if its not binding...I just hope fate and how i create it will bring us together again

someday.

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Watching divorces and wondering...

I want to get married some day, with someone that i love with everything i have in my heart and someone who can get through challanges and changes with me. Problem is Im almost to frightened now to even consider marriage.

                                                                                                                                                              My parents got a divorce, something i never saw coming and it broke my heart and basicly our family in some ways. My friends have gone through it as well, at least half of them...and some of them plan to get married. but even still.....Im not sure how or if i will get married....b/c i dont want to go through with that type of heart break.

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What it means to care



Everyone is intiled to there own opion right? of course. Also people are intiled to keep things to themselves when they know it might hurt the other person.This is my problem with my friends....they dont get when to shut up.Everyone has constantly asked me Why are you dating him? really he is such a flirt and has sex with every girl that  he meets. Its gotten to a point of me believeing them...when I know he loves me. Im horribley offendended and they are making me take sides and saying that you need to break up with him. My question is

who the hell

do they think they are?

They dont know what i see in him, what type of relationship i have with him....how I trust him, HE IS a flirt, so am I, but i dont make out with every guy I see , neither does he with girls. He loves me, he also knows his boundries with other girls and guys(he's bi). My friends are being rude, I suppose caring in a way but there is a fine line between caring and going over board to decsiding for that friend.

I will make my own mistakes on my own thanks, Im sorry if you dont aprove of me doing what im doing but Im happy! Hes a flirt, I am as well, yet we still know that we both love eachother.

just leave me be, I know what im doing.....beacuse I know how he is

and if your right

well....I wont be surprised


Ive heard many times from my mother and dad that I will make it univercity. I am smart....I am. Althought im not so good at math or science for that matter, and sort of spelling. I am smart. I have a lot of intellgence most people my age dont have. I suppose that could also be maturaty but who knows. Ive just been struck with who people think are intellegent by what they can and cant do. 
          
                         Most of my friends are A-B students...and some like me are c-d students. Most people would be saying this a load of bullshit and the only people that are intellegent and try are people with A-B marks, and if you do try and still get those marks then your just plain dumb. Since when am i intellectually challanged by the pace that I do math or any sort of ACADEMIC study. Intellegence is all based around if you were good in school, most people i know are really smart, just not ACADEMICALLY SMART.  I play an instument in my school band (bass guitar) i have a really good job up and a univercity in my city (i work in the caff). 

                                                                         
                                    Also, schools dont teach every student individually to how they learn almost anything. I need things reapeated to me over and over again until its stuck in my head for good. Most teachers just let you skim through and go on to the next thing really quickly. Studying, do I do it, Only when a test comes around, otherwise no. I want to go to art school, do something that I enjoy instead of being stuck in a job that i hate beacuse i wasnt able to get a career. When I get to emily carr, hopefully, then i will be able to work at something I know, something I love doing and dont need to be of societies idea of intellegent. I hope to come back one day and tell the kids here what grades i had, and how i got into my art school. How you dont need to be an A-B student to be called smart. Teachers and schools have always taught kids That you are only smart if you are and A-B student, if lower then your just dumb or havent tried hard enough.

Anyways thats my rant for the day, peace ]
Amber


*sigh* cest la vie

=3 im a happy cat. I had a very nice day with grant today which made me feel alll bettterrr. although I cant say  much about what i had talked about with my mother. When i got home she thought i was "smoking up". My eyes were a bit red that day from having a water fight with grant inside his house.

Yes were that cool

we have water fights inside his house....its only with small water guns but the shoot a lot O.O. He got me a bunch of times in the eye and my eyes turned red.

hence, I must have been smoking pot *rolls eyes*

Grant also made me a necklace ^.^ its so cute I was so happy when i got it :3

anyways thats my day in a nutshell (oh yea...there was also school.....w/e)

peace everyone, hope you have a good week

I just want to get out of this city


Have you ever realized that you are the only making sence in a whole crowd of people

Thats what Ive been feeling for the last couple of days. My mother has become one of the biggest user of what i like to call ignerence...I dispise ignerence. Not only this but she has complety been sucked into the world of dieting all the time, She is freakishly calm..all the time. Not once for the last 5 months have i seen her display any sort of human emotion, just sterotypical house wife emotions which creep me the fuck out. Besides this , what i havent told you about why i truly hate my mother is beacuse she complety crushed my father. She wanted a divorce, my father has never been abusive and has always been complety head over heals for my mother. My dad can sometimes have a temper, he has never hurt anyone ever...but can get really angery sometimes. My mom desicded to cleanse her life and "get rid" of all of the stress. 


I dont think ive dispised Someone this much in my whole life. It is also how discusting how she thinks my brother and sister, who are not that old, are going to be completly fine when she and my dad move out and into ceperate houses. I think she fails to realize that my brother and sister both have horrible anxitey problems....shes going to get a load of crap piled ontop of her when she moves out. 

                                                               I really hope in my mother spiritaul path she will move far far away from here. When my parents move out i plan to live with my dad and not my mother....i'll only visit her once and a while in the month.

Its her birthday today, so i thought id write this. I actually broke a necklace of hers that was given to her by her mom, its scattered all over her bed...i put " love you btich - (nottellingmyname)"

I hate you mother, I WANT YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE


hurray band concert!

So my school is having its first band concert 8D hurra!
So my day today was pretty swell ( i say swell in every single way possible). I got to hang out with my boy and eat baked potatos. Me and my friend (marla) have created this  Theory that albertan men are more sensitive, and more gentleman like. I live in B.C on the island and I still have yet to find someone who blows my romantic mind. We also came up with a better way of fabircating something

Me " i come over there and fabricate you in a second >:3"

marla " oh really? lol"

Me " yes, we are going to dump fabric softener all over your sheets and blankets, but them on your bed, and roll around in them and fabricate our bodies with softness"

So that has been my day, I have yet to also prove to my teachers that I WILL make it when i grade into uvic and hopefully emily carr in vancouver.

what an exciting after noon! *sarcasm*  XD i am so friendless on here >.>; some people should add me and we can chat it up? ^^;

Right well...

So lets start out With what is going on in my life so far. Right now im dealing with a problem of school.
My parents, have gone nuts....and so have I over my work XD.

See right now My boyfriend....
Ive been spending more time with him than i have with my homework >.>; and unforchantly teachers know my phone no. D8

Im also dealing with the stress of my boyfriend...He can get very flirtaous...I dont exactly know how important i am to him beacuse of this :(.

anyways im off to get some more tea for myself and work on homework...*sigh*

goodnight everyone
<3